Birth

So, I've decided to start a blog. It's because I feel like there's a lot of things I could ramble about that I don't actually have the energy to get up on my soap box for. So until I develop the courage to speak out my deepest, darkest beliefs, on some high rated TV show (likely), this will do me just fine.

I'm at a stage in my life where just about everything is at the peak of complication. School, family, friends, relationships. I'm about to transition into the hardest phase of my life; independence. After I graduate from high school and find myself living as an adult, the cold harsh reality of being on my own is going to seep down into me... No teachers correcting my mistakes, no friends punishing me for bad decisions, no parents paying my debts. It'll just be me, myself and I... And that scares the hell out of me.

So naturally my head is a big balloon of thoughts right now, waiting to burst.
Not only am I at a point absolute fear for my future, but every aspect of my life seems to be lowering me to a point of immense vulnerability. Let me elaborate:

1. There's the pressure of what I'm going to do next year - Work, Defer, Uni? I'm still in a limbo as to what to do. We had a careers class in year 10, which everyone thought was just a joke. Back then we thought that it was way too early to be considering career paths and tertiary options - but boy I wish I'd listened. I was born a performer - I sing, dance and act. However lately I've lessened my liking towards dancing, and my interest in singing and especially acting have increased. Next year I'm hoping to defer for a year, mainly working full-time to scrape up some mula. After that, in 2011 I'm hoping to look into drama courses at university or jumping straight into company work. This is all rough sketches though, as by then I could want something entirely different for myself. Wherever the wind blows me, I guess.

2. My boyfriend. I know, I find it incredbile too that someone can actually put up with me, but that's not what I mean. I've found someone who can break me down and figure me out to a T, knows when I want to be left alone and knows when something is wrong. I could be with him in complete silence for accumulative amounts of time and feel like our eyes could say all we needed to. Sure I have issues with trust and with compassion towards other people, but he's broken down that 'Great Wall of Sophie' that most people can't quite push the foundations of. The fact that he knows me so well stirs emotions in me me on two different levels. The first is the fear that I'm going to get hurt. He's convinced me it won't happen, but once you've got what you want, that's when you have something to lose. The other is the happiness that I can trust someone so much to let them in and open up to them. The composure I have in myself when he's around is second to none, and so I'm essentially hooked on the rush his presence brings me. All in all, I'd have to pretty lucky to fall in love. He just made it that much easier.

3. Friendships. They serve a whole new purpose when you get to this age. I have to say, though, high school has been a driving force in alerting me of the stages of friendship. In grade 8, you basically just want bodies to sit with so you don't look like a massive loner/geek/nerd. Grade 9, the 'bitch year', you need those people there to fight with, just 'cause you can. Grade 10, everyone's pretty mellow and relaxed, just trying to bludge and cruise as much as they can before they hit senior school. Then bam, grade 11. Much like grade 9, everyone's a bit war-like with each other, projecting stress from schoolwork (from the much anticipated jump from grade 10) onto their friends. That finally hits my situation. Grade 12. I can be quite an observant person, and over the past 6ish months, I've come to realise that grade 12 is a big mush of every grade put together. Perhaps this is because people are just really messed up? Or maybe it's due to the fact that we are months from graudating, and we're just trying to savour every little moment of each grade into the one year. I have to say from experience that my friends have had highs, lows and even extreme lows, but still I'm greatful for every single experience. Now that we've lost some, gained some and just downright pulled each other's hair out, it's almost (I repeat, almost) complete bliss to be around them.

So yes... This new independency thing is going to be a wild ride into the darkness, but I guess the unknown aspect of it makes it all that much more appealing.
But who cares just yet...
It's my first day of official holidays after the longest term two in my schooling history.
So in the new spirit of independence, I'm going to do what I want.
Which, for the record, will be to sleep as much as I watch the OC (which is alot, by the way)
Peace and love xxx